My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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