two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
