Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize