end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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