I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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