I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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