I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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