If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
