listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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