i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
