i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
