Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
