Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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