Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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