She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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