A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
