Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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