Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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