Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
