sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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