And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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