Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
