What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
