He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
