I think I won the penis lottery.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
