My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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