I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
