you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
