I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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