Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
