dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
