I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
