two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
