The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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