Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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