well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
