You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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