Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
