I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
40s are totally the cure
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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