guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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