I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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