i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
