dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
