i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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