Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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