Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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