There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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