We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
