I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
