smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
