We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
