I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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