youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
