Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
sarcasm needs its own font
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We left the knife in your bed.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
