dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
