did you get engaged???
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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