Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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