If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
